susan hayward photography : Women, Food and God

I saw an article about Geneen Roth's new book in this month's O Magazine, which, feeling too tightwaddy to buy, I skimmed while standing in line at the grocery store. I've heard about Geneen Roth, how she writes about emotional eating and overcoming food addiction. I've even thought about checking out her previous books from the library. But I never did. I just continued to check out book after book on this diet and that, all the while knowing that food and I were not coming to terms with each other. As far as I was concerned, there would never be a truce, and I would never be at peace. I thought controlling the food would in turn control me. But it has never been about the food. Not really anyway.

A couple years ago, on the advice of The Weigh Down Diet book, I decided to stop eating when I was upset at the kids, which meant that I was eating bites instead of meals. I lost so much weight that even my running tights hung on my twiggy legs. For the first time in many years, I thought I was in control of the food. I was so wrong. The book had taught me that relying on food instead of God was a sin. But, funny thing is, instead of feeling satiated with solace, I felt full of guilt. I began to fear not only food but God, too. "Am I really hungry?" I began questioning when I wanted to buy some crackers at the health food store. "Is God watching right now?" I'd think as I looked up at the sky slowly crunching on said crackers. "Will I have to repent for this too?" I'd wonder to myself as I tried to determine if I was full or not. After awhile, it got to be too much. What with all the other things I did wrong in my life, I couldn't handle the notion that God was mad at me about how much I ate for dinner as well. So I gave it up.

But lately I've noticed my old pattern of eating to the point of pain creeping back. I've started checking out diet books from the library again, promising myself that I'll start eating better tomorrow, right after I make some more cookies. Don't get me wrong. I do not consider myself overweight, nor do I wish to return to my former bird-leg self. I would just like to stop thinking of food as my nasty, controlling Aunt Hildegard who frequently makes a mess of me and never offers to clean it up.

So I bought Women, Food and God. Yep, you heard me. Susan of the Clan of Tightwaddery found it for $15 on BarnesandNoble.com and just went ahead and bought it before sampling it from the library (although I did shop around for the best price). I started reading it the day it arrived. There were so many things in there that I recognized in myself that I had to take a break. It freaked me out too much to read in one sitting. I could feel Aunt Hildegard cackling furiously. She was like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, screaming "I'm melting!" as I poured water over her ghoulish figure. It took me all weekend to get up the nerve to continue reading, and even then I wasn't sure if I could finish. Finally I made a deal with myself. I would read it through once quickly, just to get a taste of it, then go back and read it again, taking notes while I did so. Kind of like getting seconds, but without the calories. I finished the first run through last night, and this week I will read it again. And perhaps even a third time. It's that good.

Roth's approach is less about the wrath of God and more about the love of God. She advocates emotional awareness--the idea showing yourself kindness rather than berating yourself for gaining back the same ten pounds you lost and gained the year before. She tells us "that the great blessing of [our] lives is [our] relationship with food." Wrap your mind around that one. The last thing I've considered food was a blessing. Rather more of a curse. Roth continues: "…we are not going to fix [your] relationship with food; we are actually going to walk through the door of [your] eating problem and see what's behind it."

You can see why my initial reaction was to close the book and calm myself with some chips. But if I want Aunt Hildegard to beat it for good, this is where I must begin.

Here's a clip of Roth reading from her book:

P.S.

Just a warning. Roth drops a couple of "F" bombs in the book. Twice, I think.

Comments

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Dear Susan,

Thank you for your beautiful words. Knowing that we're not alone on our journeys is such a healing balm. I'm so glad that you're discovering that Women Food and God is touching you in places you never imagined.

Geneen Roth

Posted by: Geneen Roth | April 12, 2010 at 06:09 PM