Going Bananas

So Sunday night we’re all sitting around at my sister’s house and somebody says, “Let’s watch that video of Susan eating the banana.” Inside I groaned. Outside, I said, “Let’s just not.” But apparently nobody heard the desperation in my voice. Or maybe they all thought I was joking. But I wasn’t. I really wasn’t. 

What’s the big deal? You may be asking yourself. The key word here is big. When my brother-in-law shot this video of me lying on the floor, watching television while slowly eating a banana, I was an overweight teenager. Every time I see myself in this video, I remember the sound of my thighs swishing as I walked when I wore my favorite silky black pants. I remember eating pie while watching Saturday Night live every weekend, hating myself with every bite. I remember curly fries from Arby’s and toffee peanuts for lunch every day, and the shame I felt as I gobbled them up in the car on the way back to school. I remember the wool skirt sewing project I slaved over for weeks, only to discover that it wouldn’t zip closed around my pudgy middle. “You can give it to your sister,” I recall my mother telling me as I tore the skirt off. In response I flung it across the room. I remember relatives coming to visit and telling my mother, “She’s got a sweet tooth, that one.” And I remember how smaller girls would glide through the halls like nimble fairies in the forest, while I lumbered behind, a cellulite monster threatening to destroy the social order. 

But there’s a happy ending to this story, although you could argue that it’s not really over. When I was sixteen, something inside of me shifted. I no longer wanted to feel and be large. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be fit. It was like my brain suddenly realized that it could change. So I ate healthier foods, and I exercised. Over the course of a summer, I lost thirty pounds or so. When school started again, a friend of mine said, “I was looking at you the other day and I thought ‘Where did half of Susan go?’” That was the best compliment anyone had ever given me. Finally, my own body did not embarrass me. Finally, I was skinny.

For the most part, I’ve managed to keep the weight off, give or take pregnancy and holiday pounds here and there. But when I watch this video, my heavy years come back to me. I become the big girl again, the one who can’t control her food intake. The one who doesn’t get asked on dates. The one who was told, “If you gain a few more pounds, you might be considered fat.” My brain shifts back about twenty-five years, and I’m sitting in front of the television, watching Saturday Night Live. I hear the clang of my fork against the plate as I shovel apple pie into my mouth. The Church Lady struts across the stage, purses her lips and asks, “Could it be Satan?”  I laugh out loud and take another bite of pie, barely registering that I’m doing so. As I scrape a fork across my plate to catch the last crumbs, my eyes fill with tears. I realize that I dislike every part of myself—even my toes.

This is not a happy place I’ve been all week since watching this video. Wallowing in memories of self-hate doesn’t exactly make for a field of mental posies. I think most of us would rather forget our teenage years. However, that's hard to do when someone films them. So I've decided that when my kids hit the awkward stage, I won't document their struggle. Unless, of course, they ask me to. But if they say, "Let's just not take that picture, Mom," I'll put the camera away. I think I'll understand how they will feel at that moment. And I will understand how they will feel in the future.

Comments

[MaryB]

Oh Susan...I feel so awful! I had no idea you were in so much pain back then or that the video causes so much for you now. I'm sure no one meant any harm and that the video will be destroyed. Please know that none of us ever thought of you as "fat" and the video was only humorous in that you had no idea you were being filmed. We all love you very much and think you are so beautiful!! Please forgive me/us.

[LauraB.]

I forgot to add that I have always thought you were beautiful; back then and now.

[chizuko]

Hi, my princess Susan, I should have known your past figure when we lived together. You know what, I now respect you more. You could be my mentor. For me, you were the perfect creature. I could not imagine you had that fat period of time. Conclusion, you lost and transformed into a beautiful princess by your effort, that is great achivement! What I was admired recently, was the lady called antishay. please check her on youtube.She showed her losing weight process from the beginning. I got hope from her.You also encouraged me that I can be if i make effort like you did. Thanks for sharing your thought. I like your expression I shovelled apple pie into my mouth. I feel I am not the only one on the earth eating like that. I feel a little bit better.Sorry.You did not like your catapillor era, now you are butterfly. Butterfly can not go back to previous shape. Your past encourages people that is for sure.

[LauraB.]

Susan - I don't know what to say, but sorry I guess. I don't see you the same way as you see yourself. If you think that you were fat in the video, than I am obese, because I am sure that I weigh much more than you did in the video. I will make sure that that section of the video doesn't get transferred to DVD when Emma does it. Please forgive us. We love you and meant no harm.