Where Have You Been? Where Are You Going?

I've been getting this question a lot lately. My sister asked me just the other day. "I look on your blog all the time," she said, "and the same thing has been up for weeks now." Yes, well. Life has been getting in the way. Or rather, the way has been life. You know the routine: juggling work with getting dinner on the table (something other than Little Caesar's pizza), birthdays, school starting, emergency room visits, family visiting, sick kids, anniversaries, chiropractor visits galore, and broken-down appliances. There were days when I told myself I would sit down and write something. And I did. One day I wrote out a number of checks to pay the bills. Another day I wrote some letters. Then one day I realized that I had forgotten about my blog altogether. So here I am, early in the morning, writing to you. Finally. 

Here's what's on my mind for today: Oprah Winfrey. I haven't watched her show in years, ever since I realized that more often than not her topics did not apply to me and would not in the least improve my life. But this weekend my sister gave me a copy of one of her "What I Know For Sure" essays that struck a note. "If you don't know what your passion is, realize that one reason for your existence on earth is to find it," Oprah writes. It was an a-ha! moment for me. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I have no idea what my passion is. 

I have a theory that everyone has a theme that runs throughout their life. Call it a continual struggle if you will. Some people struggle with health issues. Others with finances, some with forgiveness and still others with self-love. I don't care who you are, how much money or fame you have, everybody has a recurring problem/challenge/issue to deal with. 

My theme is a great search for a Meaningful and Successful Career that has now spanned decades. I have this idea that God gives everyone a gift and if you can figure out what it is, you will be wildly successful doing it. I have been trying to decipher my gift for the last twenty or so years, spelunking through my brain looking for clues and artifacts to guide me on my journey.  

This great search of mine has led me through two college degrees, both of them bachelors. My first degree is in photography. As I approached graduation, it became painfully clear that finding a full-time, high paying job in photography was not a possibility for me. Tons of companies were recruiting from the business school on campus, but no one approached the photography department with jobs in hand. Strike one. So I went back to school and got another degree to teach English lit and composition. That seemed safe enough. I could find a full-time job for sure. Never mind about the good pay, though. I figured I'd love the kids and the work enough to make up for it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. (Try spending your weekends reading essays about girls cat fighting and Pee Wee football games while your spouse and kids go to the park to play on the swings without you, all for less than what a manager at McDonald's makes and you'll know what I mean.) Strike two. 

Oprah quotes Martin Luther King in her piece with words that have been very helpful to me these last two days as I've chewed on this topic (again). "Everyone has the power for greatness--not for fame but greatness," King once said. "Because greatness is determined by service." What's this about service? I have always wanted a meaningful career, but perhaps looking at a career in terms of the service you render might be helpful. Oprah quotes Wintley Phipps as well: ". . .the key is not to worry about being successful but to instead work toward being significant--and the success will naturally follow." Maybe all of these years, I've been looking for the wrong thing. Significance seems more attainable than success. What I want is to make a difference in someone's life, to improve it somehow. And if it's not to much to ask, I also want to enjoy doing it (and maybe get a paycheck at the same time?). The question is, how?

So I'm going to ask God. Oprah's prayer goes like this: "Use me, God. Show me how to take who I am, who I want to be, and what I can do, and use it for a purpose greater than myself." I like that. In fact, I was going to offer up the same prayer when my son came in the room asking me to take him to the skate park after school. Hum. . . was this a cosmic note from God? 

Comments

[kayla]

Beautifully said!!! YOU HAVE an amazing photography talent! It is always FUN to try new things and if you put all your heart into it you will find so many new and fun talents with in yourself!! THANKS FOR THE POST, love ya!!

[shelby]

Yeah for the update! I enjoyed reading it. (I loved Hillary's comment too...isn't she great!?!)

I'd say you absolutely have a gift with kids singing time! :)

I am still searching for my passion too. I often think I have found my "passion/gift" then I try hard to pursue it and realize I am wrong. So I try a little soul searching again and discover another possible passion/gift...pursue it...and fail again, if you will. The past few months, I have hit a lull where I haven't had much desire to find a new passion. Just surviving has been on the fore front lately. (I know, I know, whoa-is-me.) I think you have sparked a little umph in me again. Maybe it's time to get out again and find some new loves. Thanks!

[Hillary]

This is a great post Susan. I do not watch Oprah either, but I have read that essay.

I would have to say that my passion is my family. I know it sounds like a copout, but I love being a mom. I love watching my kids discover who they are. I love spending time with them and I love telling other people about my kids. (maybe I do the last thing a little too much, but that is one of the reasons I love blogging) My kids make me happy, and give me a purpose. By persuing this passion I have also become a better person and discovered new things that I enjoy.

Before I had children I was working and going to school. I enjoyed my Job, but I did not feel complete until I became a mom. I know that there are ups and downs that come with being a mom, but I wouldn't trade this for anything. At some point in everyday there is something my kids say or do that makes me smile and sometimes even laugh.

[LauraB.]

Thanks for writing on your blog again, I missed it. I'm still in search of what my gift is as well...my passion... and I am ten years older than you - Sis! I think it is a common thread with women that we never feel like we have succeeded in anything, even though we may have already accomplished many great things. One of which, is giving birth according to my husband. Someday, I hope to either acknowledge what I have already accomplished as greatness, or finally find the one true passion that has been eluding me all of these years.