When It's Time to Change

Remember this? 

I've been singing this song a lot lately, mostly while sitting in front of the computer working in Photoshop. I don't really enjoy Photoshop. Sure, it can do cool things, and I love being able to retouch dust spots with the click of a mouse rather than with a sliver of a paint brush and some nasty black liquid called Spotone. (Note to self: Though effective, licking the brush in between dips in the liquid probably wasn't very healthy. Did you really know what was in that stuff?) Photography sure has changed from when I was in school. And if that sentence doesn't make me sound old, I don't know what does.  

Back in my day, we developed and printed our own black and white in the darkroom. Those were good times--slipping the piece of photo paper in the chemicals and swishing it back and forth, standing mesmerized by the rhythmic tapping of the paper against the plastic tray. Even though there were always tongs available to pick up the paper, I usually used my fingers (which could explain why my hands dried up when I left California and have yet to rehydrate, even though it's been more than a decade). The red safety lights glowed overhead while I watched the image magically appear. When it looked just right, I'd plop the print into the next tray, then the next, and so on until the last step, where water ran from a hose into the deepest tray to rinse everything off. Then it was time to step into the tubular black door and spin out into the light. That's when I'd blink to readjust my eyes, then study my print, looking for details in the shadows and highlights. The first print was never right, at least not for me. And so back into the tube for more work. As the door swooshed into the dark I'd inhale the smell of chemicals like a girl at the perfume counter. Developer and fixer became my new eau de toilette. Or maybe they were my drug of choice. Time lost its meaning when I stepped into that photo cave. Except for the metronomic ticking of the exposure timer sitting by the enlarger, I don't remember counting the minutes or the hours I spent printing photographs. Sometimes I'd spend all night in the darkroom, emerging somewhere around 2 am with a chemical stained shirt and a dopey grin on my face. I'd stagger home to sleep a few hours, then start the whole thing over again the next day. 

But things are different now. I have no darkroom as per se, just a dark basement where I sit in a purple room and retouch photographs. I still sometimes work until 2am, but I don't come out of my office smiling. In fact, I usually feel like kicking something. And since my cat can read my moods better than my husband (she has a better sense of smell), I usually kick my husband. Okay, not really. I just whine and moan. "Remember when we could just hand off color film to the lab and they would take care of the rest?" I ask him frequently. My dear patient husband nods and waits for the next familiar complaint. "Remember how we used to actually MOVE when we printed pictures--as in around the room, up and down, in and out?" Another nod, which I take as a go-ahead to complete my tirade. "I'm so sick of Photoshop!" I say, slapping the table to make my point. But really I know I have no case here. My husband spends all day shooting pictures and working on the computer. At least I have the option to go make dinner or do some laundy when I feel like my body is frozen in the Photoshopping position, which is to say leaning close to the computer (though curiously my computer screen is huge, I still feel the need to look at what I'm retouching from two inches away), my entire body tense and focused on a few dozen pixels at a time. If anyone is sick of Photoshopping, it should be my husband, not me. But as a woman ovulating, I reserve the right to frequent and lengthy pity parties thrown at random and with wild abandon. And as my husband, he must attend. But only with an invitation. 

But I digress. My point is, instead of emerging from my office happy, I stagger up the stairs with bleary eyes, a heavy heart, and stiff hips. I am just not having as much fun at this as I used to. So I've come to a conclusion. Instead of quitting photography altogether, I'm going to do more of what I want to do with it. Instead of trying to shoot pictures like the studio down the road, I am going to shoot the pictures that are bouncing around in my head. I am going to stop trying to be a "Portrait Photographer" and just be me. Some days that might mean shooting vegetables. Other days it may mean photographing lunch at a new restaurant. And still other days it may mean taking a family picture that I "saw" when I looked at a prime location on the way to the store. I might even put out a call on this blog for volunteer models, offering the option to buy the files at a discount. Or not. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I am just going to do my own thing in my own way. Because I gotta be me. Or, as Peter Brady says, "When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange." Right on, Peter. So that's what I'm doing--rearranging my business and my life to find more peace. This will not get me rich, I know. But it will make me--and my family--happy. 

So I have some new ideas. And some new prices. And some new policies. Also, I am going to separate my writing blog from my photography blog. So stay tuned. Or not. Whatever.  

Comments

[ShellyT]

Wow, take me back! I can still smell the fixer- especially the time I was running a lab and accidentally poured in the concentrate! Thanks for being so introspective about all of this. I am on auto-pilot too much of the time and I enjoy your thoughts- especially because I relate to much of what you write about. Thanks. Keep it up.

[MaryB]

I TOTALLY LOVE that you linked with the Brady's!!! I love that song too-ask my kids, I always sing it! Those outfits! The girls were covered well up top but then looked like go-go dancer/hooker from the waist down...what was up with that? Sure am glad styles changed! If your boys are ever stumped for Halloween costumes they could be the Brady boys! :p
I hope your new plan makes you happy! :)

[Kaylynne]

Maybe it's because I've been in front of the computer since I was 11 years old...but I like photoshop - it lets me do things with photos that I could never have the patience to learn how to do in the dark room.

We had to spend a day or two in the dark room as part of my photography 101 class - the frustration you feel with Photoshop is the frustration I felt with the enlargers. Always a few seconds off, and always a few seconds too slow - I never could create a well-developed photo. And even if I had - all those FINGERPRINTS! X_x Every photo I touched was bound to have a stray fingerprint or two (even if I did do my best to hold it on the edges like the instructor showed us). As magical and wonderful the process is, it's one that I know that I would really struggle to learn, so I'm pretty thankful for photoshop...until the program freezes and refuses to respond!

The best pictures are always the ones you as the photographer wanted to take! :)