A Good Mother

Yesterday, my friend Hillary made a comment that prompted some deep thoughts. She said that motherhood completed her.  I wish I could say the same. I have wanted to find wholeness in motherhood for, oh, thirteen years now. Alas, this wholeness eludes me. And always has.

When I think about the happiest mothers I know, there is one common thread that just might explain everything: the women who dreamed of becoming mothers and then became such have found fulfillment. I, on the other hand, didn’t even like babysitting. And when I played Barbies, the scenarios never involved Barbie making dinner for Ken while simultaneously nursing a baby. (Isn’t it about time for Barbie to get a realistic update? I personally would buy a Sagging Susan doll, complete with drooping breasts and a bulging tummy scarred with stretch marks.) My Barbie never actually married Ken. She just went on dates with him and sped through the basement in her pink convertible.

Even though it wasn’t my childhood dream, at a certain point in my married life, I longed for children. I thought that yearning also meant I would love being a stay-at-home mom. This would not be the case. Yet for so many years I tried to be one of those lucky girls who sang to their real babies with the same bliss with which they once sang to their dolls. I tried to wake up every morning and pray that I would want to be home all day with my brood. (I thought that by saying “brood” it somehow would feel more cosmopolitan. It didn’t.) But by the time I had changed ten newborn diapers in the space of two hours, cleaned up a tinkle spill from a toddler, and eaten my way through loads of licorice and even guzzled a few Gatorades, I realized that this couldn’t be all that God had planned for me. Or at least it wasn’t all that I had planned for me.

Admittedly, there were times when I could go for months feeling completely satisfied with baking five loaves of bread every week or filling our freezer with ten boxes of apricot freezer jam to last through the winter. But then I’d wake up and realize I hadn’t read a good book that wasn’t about parenting or bunny rabbits for months. Mornings of quiet contemplation and thoughtful writing were hazy memories of a girl long gone. I also discovered that all the bread and jam were making me fat (the licorice and Gatorade might have had something to do with it as well). But I tried to ignore these things, telling myself that I was deliriously happy being a mother.  I also tried to tell myself that my increasingly frequent impulse to jump in the car and drive to the edge of the continent and possibly into the ocean was just a character flaw that could be corrected with desserts. And possibly sleep.

After years of feeling guilty that I’m not a textbook kind of stay-at-home mom, I’ve come to understand that no one is. There are different kinds of mothers. And I don’t mean the good kind and the bad kind. There’s room for individuality here. If you love staying home and love being a mom, that’s wonderful. I applaud you. (And I envy you!) If you need to work outside of the home for whatever reason, be it financial or mental, that’s great too. Motherhood is mostly about survival. And I’m not talking about shooting up with licorice and Gatorade to make it through the day. I’m talking about doing what you need to do to be the best mom YOU can be. Just like every kid is different, every mom is different too. Write your own instruction manual. And then follow your own directions.     

Comments

[Jan]

Susan, I love you and appreciate your honesty. You are amazing, accomplished, & talented. Everything you do has your personal detailed touch that I envy, including your writing.

I do have to argue one point with you...the Sagging Susan doll. If there was a Susan doll it would be the Stunning Susan doll....insightful, dedicated, and naturally beautiful...as you are.

You are a REAL person, and our family is blessed to have you be apart of our lives, and especially in my brothers life. You and Rick are an example to me of ultimate love and respect for each other.

As far as the mothering thing goes, it's hard. What I have discovered is being a mother lasts forever, but our kids grow up so incredibly soon and don't want to be mothered any more. I have found myself wanting to be the mother with the final say and opinion, and my kids are gone, out and on their own.

But surprisingly, that is when the real fulfillment of being a mother starts. You watch your children become mothers and fathers themselves, and you realize that they really have listened to you throughout the years. And yes, they are like you and they love you for it.

So get through these next few years. Your mother payday will happen sooner than you think. At that time, you and Rick will be sitting on a beach somewhere contently saying to yourselves, "we did a good job and it was all worth it."

I love you. I wish I was more like you.

[Shelly]

Your blog is always so great- so often you write the same things that are floating around in my head. As members of the Church, we have a lot of "shoulds", which induce a lot of guilt unless we can come to grips with our individuality like you mentioned.

There is one important thing to remember in all of this, though- that motherhood is definitely one of the ways in which we earn our salvation. Thanks so much to shelby for posting that quote. I will print it off and put it somewhere where it gets in the way often.

Thanks for sharing.

[kayla]

GREAT POST...cant wait to see you this weekend!!!

[shelby]

You hit the nail on the head here. There is a fine line where the balance of all our responsibilities lie. It's hard to find that place where every part of you can be fulfilled. Honestly, I don't think its possible...undoubtedly, sacrifices have to be made in all directions just to make it all work at once. I love my children and I love being their mother, but I certainly understand and can agree when someone says they don't love all the aspects that make up mothering. I, personally, wish more people had the same perspective you do here in this post; because I feel my greatest struggle as a mother has come from feeling judged...that what I am doing isn't right. But, as a mother, I know what I am doing IS right in respect to who my children are and what I see them becoming one day. That is why I get out of bed everyday when I may not want to, because it is important in the eternal scheme of things. Important to who my children are and important to who I am.

I don't think this quote was originally meant to be applied to motherhood, but I feel it fits...

"Very often, in our anxiousness for the joys of the future we run away from the very things we are wanting and needing today. An appropriate examination of the passing moment will prove it leads to eternity. We need to constantly remind ourselves eternity is in process now." (Marvin J Ashton)

[Melanie]

This post resonated with me Susan. I knew that I would not be a good SAHM nor did I want to be. I decided early on in my pregnancy that I wasn't going to feel guilty about not wanting to stay-at-home; that it would be in my kid's best interest if his mom was happy instead of resentful (which I might have been; honestly, the 3-months of my maternity leave were some of the longest days of my life, though I did get to watch a lot of Food Network TV, an indulgence I don't get to do as often as I'd like now!). I LOVE spending time with my kid, and I LOVE my work and that I get to do it too, so right now it seems like I get to have my cake and eat it as well. I don't know that this will always be the way it is or that I will always WANT it to be this way, but right now, I feel "balanced." (Good daycare and a equal partnership with my husband helps a lot, also!) Thanks for posting your own reflections on it all.

[Susan Hayward]

Hillary,
I hope you didn't take my post the wrong way. I didn't think you were saying everyone had to be the same, just that you had found a lot of happiness in being a mother. And I think that is wonderful. You are someone I really admire for your dedication to your family. I was just attempting to say that I've spent years trying to find wholeness only to end up full of holes!

[LauraB.]

I received my thank you note from Jake yesterday - what a cutey! Only a GREAT mom [photographer] would think of something like that. It made my day! As for today's column. We are so alike...it's scary! Maybe that's why we were put together as sisters here on earth. There is nothing wrong with being a good mom, but it's okay to also want something more. Especially at my age when the kids are away from home now and that stage of my life is over. What do I do now? Where do I fit in? It's all in the journey - we can discover new things about ourselves on a daily basis and it's always fun to dream as well. Someday, you will find me in Ireland in a little cottage by the sea. One of my favorite quotes is by Pres. Monson - "The future is in your hands, the outcome is up to you."

[Hillary]

Hey Susan,

I hope you didn't take my comment the wrong way. I was not saying everyone has to have their family be their passion. It just turned out that mine is, and that in no way makes me a better mother. I think your boys are wonderful kids and you are a great mother to them.

I have many friends who find their passions elsewhere and I love them for it. I think we all need to be different so we can help and learn from each other. I love your beautiful writing and photography skills and wish I could express myself as well as you do.

I think the key to being a good mom is being a happy mom.