Parenting with Purpose

Me and my boys in Northern California 

When I was a young photography student, I dreamed of traveling the world, snapping photographs along the way, and writing articles for the New York Times. I envisioned myself living in a loft in London, reading good literature, and having tea with Princess Diana every Thursday.  And thus I would become Someone Important.

Then I got married and had kids. And suddenly, everything I had dreamed of becoming seemed impossible. I don't work for a fashion magazine, and I don't travel the world. I've become a stay-at-home mom who drives a mini-van, wears t-shirts and overalls, and who considers Super Wal-Mart a vacation destination.

  Not exactly what I imagined.

  Up until recently, I've been depressed about all of this, disappointed in myself for succumbing to Suburbia. Through the years, my mother often tried to cheer me up by telling me that "Motherhood is the most important job you'll ever have." But I didn't believe her. People don't get famous--or rich-- by nursing babies and changing diapers. So I began to hoard my energy and attention as if I could save happiness in a bank account marked: My Glorious Future Without Small Children When My Life Will Really Mean Something.

  Sensing my dissatisfaction, my kids asked, “Why are you always so grumpy and mean?" Because I'm wasting away in this house when I could be doing so much more, I wanted to answer. The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt. When will it be my turn? I constantly asked. And the answer was always, Not now.

There were times when I tried to find fulfillment. I went to church. I read self-help books. I read feel-good-about-being-a-mother books. I prayed. I watched Oprah. I meditated. Yet, I still feared losing myself in the anonymity of raising children.

  Then I read Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents. I corralled the kids and tried to interest them in a ritual of gratitude, as per Chopra's instructions. "What are you thankful for today?" I asked my oldest, secretly hoping he'd say something like ''I'm thankful that you sacrificed your life for us, Mommy."

  But, no. He glowered at me and muttered, "Can I just go play Nintendo?" Seems my bad mood had rubbed off on my children with permanent ink. Not only did I not want to spend my life on them, they didn't want to waste time on me either. At that moment, I realized that if I were to save what was left of our relationship, I'd have to do something quick. It was time to go to inside, to the source of the problem, which I had to admit was me.

  As luck (or God?) would have it, I came upon an article about social action written by Kimberley Rome. Rome defined social action as "Bring[ing] our spiritual practice into mindful action." I asked myself what my spiritual beliefs were. I believe in a Heavenly Father. I believe in compassion, authenticity, and joy. And I believe our spirits are the manifestation of these qualities, if only we will permit them to guide our actions. So how does this apply to parenting? As a mother, I'm creating the next generation. If I want to contribute to the community, I can teach my children to be responsible spiritual beings led by spiritual truths. Thus,-parenting can be a socially responsible action. For the first time in years, I felt important: I'm not "just a mother!" I wanted to shout at all of those who have sneered and called me a breeder. I'm a social activist.

  Florence Wiedemann once said that "The most important gift you can give to the world is to produce quality humans who are richly endowed with feelings and ideas and compassion." When I had planned on living the so-called good life, there wasn't room for anyone else but me, and the idea that I could or should give back to the world was never part of my thought process. As a mother, I thought my job was to cook, clean, and chauffeur. But Kimberly Rome reminded me that my purpose is "not only [to transcend the world, but to come back and transform it." Have I transcended the world? Not exactly. But in defining my role as a parent from the perspective of social activism, I see the potential for "creating roots of social development and change." In other words, if I teach my children tolerance and love, they will teach it to their children, who will teach it to their children, and so on. "If a critical mass of our children are raised to practice spiritual laws," Chopra says, "our whole civilization will be transformed." It's an ideal worth contemplating and then doing something about.

Different people had told me how to "be" a parent. But no one had connected being with doing like Rome did. She writes that "It is by changing ourselves that the world is changed." Hopefully, I am a different mother now, one who acts with a sense of purpose and gratitude for the role I have chosen to play--and for whom I have chosen to play it. This perspective has, as Rome promised, given my life meaning. True, I am not rich or famous. However, I have the opportunity to influence how the next generation turns out in the most intimate way possible. I am Someone Important. I am a parent.

 

Comments

[MaryB]

Fantabulous insight, as usual! Makes me want a do-over with my kids! Is it too late? :p

[shelby]

I should add this post to my weekly reading. It's such a great reminder of WHY our job as mommy is so important! Thank you.

[deirdre]

I stumbles on your site by accident. Maybe not by accident... I surely share your sentiments about motherhood. Sometimes I feel done in, there was so much I wanted to do. Your entry got me thinking about what are the realy important things in life and the gift of bringing up balanced happy children. Kind regards Deirdre

[Dana]

You've come a long way Mommy! Thanks for being so honest. Personally - I think you are a great mom.