Letter to God: Hope Chest

Dear God,

Just a friendly note to you about a little--and I mean that literally--problem I have. I can't help but think that when you were giving out breasts you gave me the leftovers from scraps on the design room floor. I am writing to you today with the hope that you will grant me just a few more cups. I would be happy with even a smidge more than what I have. I mean, I don't need melons. But it's distressing to have only Nestle Kisses.   

Of course, things haven't always been bad. There were those three babies you gave me, with breasts to go with them. That was very nice of you. You could say I had headlights that blinked "I am a woman, yessirree." I wore snug sweaters and t-shirts, and nodded at myself in the mirror with approval. My husband liked them too. But you see, full of milk as they were, those breasts had a tendency to leak, which kind of ruined the affect. And as soon as the babies moved on to solids and formula, the breasts you loaned me disappeared. I would have been OK with this, but they seemed to have taken what little I had before the babies with them. Instead of headlights, I was left with pin lights.

Perhaps you were in a hurry when you made me. It could be that you ran out of material after you made Dolly Parton. (To be honest, I think she probably would have gone a little smaller had it been up to her.) I hope you noticed when I was in sixth grade and wore my first training bra to school. That was not a good experience, and I can't help holding you responsible for it. Had I been given a little bit more chest, things would have gone much better. My teacher asked a simple question, and my hand shot up to be the first to answer. That's when my bra scooted past my chest. I withdrew my extended hand and slammed my arm down to catch the escaping bra. The bra ended up nestled in my armpits, where it stayed for the rest of the day. Luckily I had a cardigan on over my shirt, which I hastily wrapped around me and secured with a belt. You may ask why I didn't just fix it in the girls' bathroom. That has occurred to me as well. I think I was too embarrassed. Plus, I wasn't so sure it wouldn't just happen again. I bring this up because as far as I can tell, had I saved that training bra, I could still wear it comfortably today. And, sadly, would still be in danger of bra scootage. This strikes me as not only pathetic, but terribly unfair.  

It has occurred to me that you wanted to save time, so instead of making me breasts in the Heavenly Factory, you decided to make a person who would invent plastic surgery so I could buy some breasts later on. But you know how thrifty I am. Every time I think of draining our savings account to purchase new body parts, I also think of how much I love traveling, and the travel always wins out. Besides, I've been told that there's a good chance that ten years down the road any breasts I buy now will inevitably bow down to the laws of gravity and end up like deflated and sad little balloons. I don't know if this is true, but somehow I don't think my kids would understand when I told them, "I'm sorry, you'll just have to skip college so I can buy me some more breasts." 

So I'm appealing to you. I have heard that you can move mountains. It seems to me that mine is a rather small request in comparison. Let me know what your answer is as soon as possible. After thirty some-odd years of being flat chested, I'm getting rather desperate. (I've actually considered buying a cream that is supposed to tell my hormones to pony up and enlarge my breasts by at least one cup size. However, this seems too good to be true. Also, I don't want to make a mess of my hormones. They are already a little unruly at times.) I can be reached any time of the day or night. And anywhere. Or you could surprise me with a new chest one morning. That would be nice too. 

Sincerely,

Susan

  

Comments

[SHELBY]

OH, SUSAN! You make me laugh. I'll trade you. Somedays, I wish for smaller.

[Kaylynne]

Jana: Well I'm lucky if my bras will stick around for around 4-6 months(and that's even if I take really good care of em) I've been able to find some OK bras at JCPenneys but I really had to dig and do a bit of research to find em. Like I know they carry BALI, Glamorise and Playtex which will all go up to DD, and I think Lilyette will go up to DDD. - With JCPenney you really gotta time bra shopping right when they're having sales in order to get em under $40. I generally don't buy bras online cause I prefer to try em on and make sure they fit correctly.
I do have a friend who's big busted too and she has to shop online and she'll shop at like http://www.barenecessities.com and http://www.figleaves.com but she says you really gotta look to find ones that are really supportive (and not like the bras with the spaghetti straps) and are on sale.

Something I've noticed is that by the time I find a bra I like - they discontinue it so I can't always rely on the same brand. :\

Hope that helps at least somewhat!

[Missy Laramie]

:)

[Jana]

Kaylynne: Where do you find good bras for $30-ish?? I can rarely find the ones that'll do the job for less than $60 (I do often try to find the same ones new on ebay, but usually they are really wonky colors). Even if I only buy a few bras at a time and take really good care of them, the straps stretch out over time and they rarely last longer than 6-8mos. They are my biggest clothing expense....

[Kaylynne]

Oi! You wouldn't believe how badly I want *smaller* breasts! Pamela and Dolly seem OK with their sizes but you never see them struggle to find a top that has a V-neck but still manages to be modest (because you CAN'T wear scoop necks or turtle necks when you have larger breasts because not only do you get the dreaded uni-boob, but it also makes them look even bigger! - heaven forbid my neck should get cold!)

Also, when you have bigger boobs you can't wear those cute little "T-shirt bras" with little polka dots or hearts on them (and only cost like $10 each) - nope! You have to wear plain old black or white bras with the huge straps and like 50 clasps in the back - all in the name of "support"! And they all seem to cost about $30+

And thank goodness I have such wide hips, because if I didn't I'm sure my chest would yank me down to the ground!

Finally - you can't run! Your bra may have slipped a little in class - but at least that wasn't too noticeable. Try being in PE trying to run the mile and your poor little training bra can't even begin to contain such large endowments!

I could continue but I won't cause now I'm wondering why Heavenly Father couldn't have been just a little more merciful and spread around my "wealth" :p

[Jana]

Oh, the irony! I would love to be flatchested. Seriously and totally. I can't even joke about having to start wearing a bra in 4th grade and how uncomfortable I've been over the years because of my ample chest. I am too much of a sissy to schedule reduction surgery, but I find it so so tempting.

Recently a friend admitted to me that she photoshopped some pics of us because my cleavage was so prominent in the photo (sigh).

Can we trade???

[MaryB]

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE!!! You said it, sista! :)