Twilight Zone

             

            You pick up Twilight and wonder what all the fuss is about. “I’m not into romances,” you say to yourself.  And you’re not, save one Harlequin paperback you read when you were fifteen, you haven’t touched a love story since.  “But Twilight’s not a romance novel as per se,” your neighbor, an avid fan who’s read the whole series, tells you. You tell her you’ll try it. “Watch out, it’ll suck you in,” she warns as she hands you the book.  “Yeah, whatever,” you scoff.       

            And then you read the first chapter.  

You meet this Edward character who is beautiful in a weird non-human sort of way.  What’s more, he seems to like an ordinary klutz by the name of Bella.  You fall into the story just like the neighbor said you would.  The kids walk in the room while you’re reading and you hardly know they’re there.  They ask you questions that you ignore or barely hear.  You forget to make dinner and send the husband to the store, grateful for the extra reading time.  Keep your eyes on the page—you might miss something.  Hastily eat dinner and then return to the book. Like a woman infatuated with a secret lover, you can’t stop reading. And when you must close the book to take a shower or to drive the kids to soccer, you can’t stop thinking about the story.

You fall in love with Edward.  You think it’s strange to be so attracted to someone who’s a) not real; b) sucks on animal blood but would really prefer to suck on your blood; c) has the body temperature of a Frigidaire; d) has a body hard as rock, literally; d) won’t ever get a wrinkle, gain weight, or get a gray hair; and e) thinks he can read a woman’s mind.  You have no control over the fascination you feel. Even though the most the characters do is kiss, you are completely frisky and attack your husband on numerous occasions.  Once, in the early morning, you wake him up and he rolls over, his eyes ringed in red and his skin pale.  He looks like a vampire. “Edward!” you want to shriek.

There are times when the cat curls up around your neck and then bites your neck.  It’s disturbingly familiar.  Vampire kitty? 

            You read the second and then the third books, all the while breathing shallow. You stop breathing when Edward leaves in the second book, but start again when Jacob shows up.  You didn’t think anyone could replace Edward.  But then this Jacob fellow reminds you of a guy you saw back in college.  You were hiking in the canyon with a friend when a tall Native American guy walked by.  You both looked, your mouths agape at his beauty.  His hair, black and silky, hung down his back.  His copper skin glistened in the sun.  His face was strong and narrow, his cheekbones prominent but not angular, his arms muscular and long.  You imagined those arms around your waist.  “Take me now!” you wanted to say, throwing yourself in his path.  But alas, he simply walked by without a glance.  And though you often looked, you never saw him again.

            That is until Stephenie Meyer brought him back to you in the form of Jacob Black.  You feel Bella’s conflict.  Jacob, with his seventeen year-old hormones racing through his body at the speed of light, is dangerous, precarious. You never know how he’s going to react. Suddenly Edward seems old.  He can’t kiss too passionately or he’ll eat Bella.  But Jacob, now that’s a fellow who knows how to let loose. He’s earthy. Jacob, you decide, is granola guy, sweet and nutty and spicy. Edward is more like cream of wheat. Predictable. Bland. Fibrous.  

            You gasp when Bella goes for it in book three and kisses Jacob with all the passion she’s had to bottle up for the last three books.  “I thought she loved Edward!” you say out loud to the empty room when you read the scene.  But then, you can understand her attraction.  Secretly, you’re glad that she kissed Jacob.  How could she not?  The guy’s hot.  Literally. With a body temperature that would kill the average person (you can fry an egg on his forehead), he had to explode some time. 

            You weigh the pros and cons of each love interest.  With the vampire, Bella would never have to make dinner.  She could simply call Edward up on his cell and say, “Why don’t you just pick something up on your way home?” But Jacob, now that’s a problem.  He eats as much as three teenage boys, which is to say you’d better start saving now for the grocery bills later.

If you chose Edward, you couldn’t have any pets.  How would you answer the kids if they asked, “Hey, where’s the cat?” and looked over to find Edward picking Fluffy’s hair out of his teeth?  With Jacob, you wouldn’t have to worry about getting a guard dog.  He is one.  At least, when he wants to be.  Or when he gets upset.  And then there’s the fascinating image of a man’s clothes flying off as he transforms into a big dog. 

You’d have to live in a really warm climate with Edward.  Otherwise, you’d freeze to death. But you’d save on air conditioning. On the other hand, Jake could keep you warm in the Arctic, saving money on heating.  But you could never go ice fishing or build a snowman together.    

You wonder about intimacy.  Both men are very attractive.  Jacob, with his earthy scent and unbridled passion, and Edward with his steamy stares and mesmerizing touch.  But really, how long could you stand to embrace someone who could give you third degree burns in delicate areas of your anatomy or someone who might give you pneumonia on your wedding night?  Hum…these are the questions you ask yourself.  You think about them in the car or when you’re reading a Curious George to your kindergartner, or when you’re making dinner. 

You are in a daze for over a week while you devour one book after another. And when you finish the last one, you get depressed. Your mind is still full of vampires and wolves, but with each passing day they begin to fade and your real life comes back into focus. You consider buying the whole set and starting the series over from the beginning, just so you can hear the characters speak again. You decide this is unhealthy and that you are like a meth addict, desperate for the next hit. You resolve to never buy the books or check them out of the library ever again. 

            But then, the movie comes out…

Comments

[Paisley Kleinhenz]

AMEN sister! I read all four books in four days and did only what I had to so my family wouldn't think I had been kidnapped. In fact, I would like to read them again but I am afraid of being sucked into Twilight again. But my husband brought the movie home yesterday...

[Traci]

glad you took the plunge into the twilight world!!!

[Katie]

SUSAN! I am a victim of Twilight as well. I swore up and down I would never read those books but Jennie finally got me to read the first one. So I read that AND the 2 other ones in 3 days. And died when I learned I hate to wait for the 4th. Then I died when I had to wait for the movie. Saw it twice in the theater.

And, yes, I went to Macey's and bought the DVD at midnight. With Jennie.

I will let you borrow it if you want, but it comes attached to my hand. (Hey, free movie buddy!) I could watch it over and over. And over.

Ok, now that I feel like I've confessed something completely scandalous, I'll be quiet.

[Shelby]

oh, see you had it bad too! :) I loved this post. Thanks for indulging me in another Edward moment.

Hey, I tried your green smoothie. It really is good! (Except mine was a really icky brown color once I added the blueberries) I left them out this morning just to see how it tasted...still delish! Brooke even ate/drank it with me. Thanks!

And my sympathies on your letter gone wrong. Been there, done that.

...now, I really do have to focus! I am training someone at work right now and I can't be daydreaming about Edward anymore! (at least until tonight when, perhaps, I will watch the movie again.)