Letter To My Husband

Dear Husband,

  The house is empty now. You’ve all gone, leaving me to my thoughts. And a mess. The problem is that there are about a trillion other things I’d rather do than clean house, so it hasn’t been done in a long time.

          So that’s why I’m here, still in my exercise clothes, scrubbing a toilet bowl with an old toothbrush, then a pumice stone. I am having an out-of-body experience, watching myself kneeling before this porcelain goddess, slaving like a scullery maid. It’s going to be a crummy Monday. No day that begins with toilet scrubbing turns out well.

 I drag the pumice stone across the porcelain with more determination. And then I remember church yesterday, when a woman wept at the pulpit as she spoke about her husband’s death the week before. I remembered hugging her at the viewing, my feeble effort to give comfort. She held on to me for a long time, as if trying to fill her emptiness with my empathy. “I don’t know what to do now,” she told me. She looked startled, surprised. Bereft. I didn’t know what to tell her, because I didn’t know what to do if I had to spend the rest of my life without my husband, either.

            My grip loosens on the pumice stone. I take off my rubber gloves, sit back on my heels and think of you. I think of how you can turn a bad mood into a good one with a simple joke. I hear the high notes of your laughter as you watch Mash reruns. I see your tender eyes go all wrinkly at the edges when you play with our kids. I hear you order the cat, “Patrol the perimeter” as she lounges on our bed and stares at you with her placid cat eyes. I see you in my mind playing with that same cat so often that she lingers in the doorway of our bedroom every night, looking for you. I feel my heart flutter as it does when the garage door opens and your car pulls in with a gentle purr and it means you’re finally home from work. I think of how many times you’ve encouraged, listened, and loved all of us when we couldn’t do the same for ourselves.

            I put my gloves back on because the house is empty now. And I am here alone with my thoughts, missing you. So I clean the toilet until it is smooth and white once again. It’s a small gesture. But it is what I can give you at this moment, to thank you for your laughter and your love. It is what I can do to pass the time until I hear the familiar sound of the garage door and my heart opening once again.

            Love,

            Your Wife

 

Comments

[Melissa]

I stumbled across your blog this evening by sheer accident. I happened to be curious about a photo on another blog about 1000 Awesome things it directed me here. At first I was impressed with your photos and beautiful portraits and food art, then I got to reading. I didn't read all of your posts but just happened to read this one and of course the one that followed. What a beautiful set of love letters! You moved me to tears and laughter so easily...probably because those words ring so true for many a happy couple. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing such touching thoughts.

[Katie]

Susan this post was amazing. I need to clean with a better attitude.

[Shelly]

Wow. When I intially saw the post I thought it would be about Rick leaving the toliet seat up or something. I really needed this yesterday morning as I was trying very hard to unconditionally love our littlest one. Your writing is so honest and human and universal to all Mormon housewives everywhere. Thanks for the smiles and the tears. I feel sometimes like I am a fly on the wall at your house! Your descriptions are so wonderful that it all plays through my head as I am reading it!

[Jan]

Beautiful. Your post made my heart feel good and my eyes water.

[Nicole]

I love the part where you talk about the sound of Rick's laughter watching Mash reruns. Aah, memories. I can still remember like it was yesterday, laying in bed, listening to Rick downstairs laughing as he watched Mash after the news. You know the laugh as well and I do--I can't help but smile when I think about it!

[MaryBeth]

Susan,
Like everything else you write, this is great! I like a clean bathroom but I can let it go a little bit. I try to keep it clean for Mike (the kids are responsible for their bathrooms). However, when Mike is deployed the bathroom can get dangerously close to resembling a public restroom :p OK, not really that bad....but there are so many other things that seem so much more important!

[Hillary]

This is a great post. I have to say Ryan is pretty good about helping me clean (When I ask) and when I do get him to clean the bathroom he does a better job than I do.

But I have had days when I have felt like all I ever do is clean everyone elses mess. I guess that is one of the joys of motherhood.

I am like you, I would much rather be doing ANYTHING else.

[Susan Hayward]

Shelby: I will follow your example and try to remind myself that I'm cleaning for my family, not because I'm Dobby the House elf.

In my house, things have to be recleaned within minutes!

[Susan Hayward]

Shannon: RON CLEANS BATHROOMS? I am so impressed. If I were you, I'd keep him.

[Shelby]

I loved this letter. One of the things that helps me enjoy cleaning my house is because I know I am doing it for my family. It makes it feel a bit more worthwhile especially knowing that I'll probably be re-cleaning whatever I am cleaning in a few short hours again. Thanks for the reminder! I love visiting your blog!

[Shannon]

I loved this post. You express things so well.
We have had our share of cleaning responsibility conversations here too.
After kid #5, Ron said, "Would it help you if I cleaned the bathrooms?"...and in my head choirs of angels started singing "he gets it..he finally gets it."

I kind of feel guilty (for a minute) on Saturday mornings when he's bent over the toilet, gagging and scrubbing away after working hard all week.

Every time I walk by the clean bathrooms, it reminds me that he is trying to help and wants me to be happy.
(And that makes me a little less annoyed that he rarely changes a diaper)

[Susan Hayward]

Allison: You make me very happy. We--and that includes I--love you too!

[Allison]

Susan, there are tears forming in my eyes because of this. And you need to stop, because the boy is right across the room from me, and I don't want him to see me all gushy and get distracted from what he is working on.

I'm printing this out and keeping it forever because it is absolutely beautiful. I love your family! And I love you!